When I was younger, every morning before leaving for school I did 2 things. Ritualistically. Firstly, I would make a cheese and bacon sandwich, every day - the cheese, the bacon, the bread - the sandwich! On the way to school i would listen to a cassette tape I had on my walkman, on one side was Sonic Youth's 'Daydream Nation, on the other Aphex Twin's 'Selected Ambient works'. I would do this every single day. I must have done it for 16 months, maybe a year. It never failed in it's ability to provide repeated satisfaction. These 2 records were enough for me. Nowadays, hammering through music like a starving cannibal I can't beleive this single casette with a mere 2 albums was enough to sustain my interest over such a long period. I was late to school, every day - aprox 25 mins or so. I am still late to work now. Aprox the same amount of minutes. Consistency motherfuckers! So one day, unexpectedly, I went 'off' the bacon sandwich. I sat there one morning looking at it, but i could not eat it. The thought of ingesting this filled me with disgust and never again did i eat the sandwich that once served it's purpose on such a regular basis. It was right here, at this moment, I learnt about diversity. I have never listened to Sonic Youth's 'Daydream Nation' since. I still listen to 'Selected Ambient Works'.

She 'knew' this guy for over 8 years. An internet scenario. I can't recall how it started. 8 years ago - early internet. Everyone was excited no? Anyway they kept in touch. He was married which resulted in egg embracing sperm. "I am having a child" he drunkenly announced. He did indeed become a father but it took only 5 years before the marriage was over and his former 'babe' took bags and baby, hit the boot scoot with not a peep by way of ciao. And that was that. He kept in touch 'on line' with our friend. After 6 years things heated up.


Yes, let's do that, let's build relationships with intent to tear them down. let's do that. shall we do that right now? shall we begin?


"The fingers on your feet"


So we know this guy - he's 35 or so but autistic and has the mind and behavior of a 6 year old. A good guy, very kind and sweet but lets be straight up - the cats kinda nuts! One day he sends both of us a text. The text says 'i found a troll !!!" (note exaggerated text tone). 10 minutes following, the same text again but with even excitement 'I found a trollll!!!!!!!' - we were together this day and looked at each other with giant question marks. "What you think he is talking about I said", "fuck knows". We were both in the area of his house so for a laugh or possibly out of concern we thought we would drop by too check on him. Needless to say we had no idea what any of this was about but given this fella's propensity for mirth we thought it a novel excercise to at least check it out. A 10 minute walk - we knocked on his door. He answered almost immediately, excited, bouncing off the ground, he clapped his hands like a child on his birthday knowing that the presents were soon too roll forth. He squealed '"I caught a troll, I caught a troll' over and over, clapping his hands, jumping up and down. He led us to his bathroom which was located up a set of stairs. In front of the bathroom sat a series of objects blocking the door - chairs, a table, a filing cabinet, preventing who or whatever was behind from exiting this temporary abode. Removing the chairs, a table, a shoe stand and various household items he proceeded to open the bathroom door. Inside, a midget. A midget! Oh fuck!! This crazy cat had gone on to the street seen a 'small human' and being the big guy he was - almost 7 ft, he simply picked up the midget, popped him under his arm, taking him home and locked him in the bathroom as a prize catch. A 'troll'. Surely one of the rarest items one could possibly obtain on a daily sojourn. The midget man made a fast and furious exit whilst we stood still swinging between bewilderment and mirth.


"Some house, up in an attic, you kept calling it the "Grange". Two very large Men were smoking, wearing nothing but what can only be described as 'man diapers'. You encouraged me to go with you, I refused in hope that we would eventually calm at the "Grange" It was you then you'd morph into someone like you..."


My Sister is the worst cook - I mean THE worst cook. She cooked pasta, she cooked the meat on full flame then added 2 cans of tomato concentrate - voila! "How is it" she would ask? "Yummy"! She mashed potatoes once, she boiled the potatoes and then mashed the results, normally a person would drain the water, yes? and then mash the potatoes, my sister does away with such technique, preferring to just mash them IN the water. "How are they?" "Mmmmm, Yummy"!


A mate of mine, a guy, went to another pals house, a girl. He knocked on the front door, no one seemed to be home but the door fell ajar, he walked in, he was a close pal so this was no drama and they would not have given a rats about him strutting around in their pad. He called out their names - no response, he poked his head into the lounge, nadda, entered kitchen - nadda, so he goes upstairs, the girls room is on the left, he enters, whistling Lil Wayne's 'Lollipop' which he heard 1 hour prior. No one seems to be home but the light is on and he gets distracted by some books of note on her desk, various early 20th Century anti/angry kinda biz. After flicking through these he notes some movement outside the window, he looks up and there is his friend and her boyfriend, in the backyard, on the trampoline, totally naked, fucking. He is holding her ass, she has her legs wrapped around him and they are for want of a better expression 'going for it' - at this exact moment when he spots them, they also look towards the window and see my friend in the window of her bedroom. They stop the movement and stand rigid holding each other, my pal stands frozen holding one of the books he lifted from the desk, minutes (hours) move on as the ice is finally broken. By way of reacting, all 3 parties simultaneously wave their hands slowly left to right as the absurdity of the situation was highlighted further by this natural response.